Dog Blog

Why Dogs are Better Than Kids

We’ve all seen it happen. Our once loyal and easy-going friends vanish into the deep, dark void known as parenthood. They look at you with exhaustion written on their faces, a hint of desperation in their eyes and dried puke on their clothing and insist that you can’t possibly understand the joys of parenting. From where I’m sitting, it doesn’t look that great. I can imagine that when you hold your own tiny newborn in your arms and gaze into those sweet eyes, the thrill and excitement you feel from knowing that another living creature’s fate rests in your hands is exhilarating, the sense of power intoxicating. But there is a cheaper, easier way to experience that sensation: Get a dog! Having a pet trumps having kids any day and here’s why:

1. VIRTUALLY PAINLESS

Here are the facts: puppies come from pet stores. Babies come from, well, not pet stores. Bringing a dog into your world is as simple as scoping out an ad in the paper or visiting a nearby pet store or animal shelter and handing over some cash. In case you haven’t heard, bringing a baby into the world is not so simple. Plus, as an added bonus, purchasing a puppy will not result in excessive weight gain, bloating, fatigue or nausea.

2. FREEDOM OF CHOICE

Let’s face it. Not all babies are created equal. To be quite honest, some babies are ugly. Worse, once they arrive, you don’t have the luxury of putting them back and waiting for a cuter version. With dogs, you’ve got your pick of the litter. Literally. Before ever bringing a dog into your home, you get to approve it that it lives up to your standards of attractiveness. And even if you weren’t blessed with the best genetic makeup, that shouldn’t hamper your ability to own the cutest dog in your neighborhood.

3. MORE COST-EFFECTIVE

Everyone always talks about how expensive it is to get a dog. You’ve got to pay for vaccinations, check-ups, neutering and so on. Sure, when you first buy a puppy, there are some required expenses, but I guarantee that in eighteen years, your dog isn’t going to expect you to pay for their higher education, nor will they demand a car on their sixteenth birthday or beg for spending money to go to the mall. They want you to feed them and hang out with them. That’s it. And that’s all they’re ever going to expect from you. In these difficult economic times, the financially responsible decision is to choose a dog over a child.

4. CLEANER

It’s a proven fact that dogs are cleaner than kids. I’m not sure who proved it but I feel in my heart that it’s true. With determination, you can have a puppy house-broken in two weeks. Kids take about two years, which means you, as the parent, are the one responsible for cleaning up their bodily functions. And sure, dogs do vomit from time to time (although it’s typically very rare) but they would never dream of doing it down the front of your shirt. In public, no less. And I have never once heard a dog owner complain about their canine coloring their walls or furniture with permanent marker.

5. LESS SUPERVISION

One word: kennel. Dogs don’t require constant supervision. You can leave for hours at a time without the slightest concern for your dog’s well being because he’s resting safely inside his kennel, plus you never have to worry about the hassles of finding and paying for a babysitter. And really, what is a crib if not a giant, open-roofed kennel? But just try to leave your kid in there while you run to the supermarket or head out to a movie and see how people react. Two words: Social Services.

6. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Unlike kids, the older your dog gets, the deeper his love and commitment towards you grows. Dogs don’t go through hormonal teen years where they see you as the enemy. You have my guarantee that your dog will never scream in your face, slam the door and/or blast emo music from his bedroom. Dogs don’t talk back, blame you for all their problems in life or talk about your inadequacies to their therapists.

7. SELF-SUFFICIENT

When kids come into the world, they can’t do anything for themselves. They are little squishy balls of nothingness. They don’t know how to walk, talk, eat, or go to the bathroom on their own. You have to teach them everything. Dogs are quite different. Even if you get a newborn puppy, it comes knowing how to walk, eat, and go to the bathroom (although it will be up to you to teach it where to go to the bathroom). It sleeps through the night, eats when you tell it to and has no qualms running around the yard for hours on end while you’re busy with something more important.

So if you’ve reached that uncertain crossroads in life and you’re wondering how to make your life more complete, make the obvious choice. Run, don’t walk, to the pet store! And maybe stop to pick up some birth control on the way…